Silence is a killer, and theres no cpr for love like this.

Wonder.
Ever wonder why we do the things we do as couples? Ever think what you do may seem natural to you but to your partner its harmful? do you care enough to be concerned? The little things that she may look for, you might think what the fuck am I doing this for? You think she's controlling, she is genuinely concerned.

My friend, who is a lesbian now said to me once, that she told the man she was involved with if you haven't heard from me in 24 hours, assume I'm cheating. As silly as it may sound, as simple as it is, communication is so advanced you can write a text by your voice. blue tooth a though of you, or even skype a lil sex on the drive home. shit, twitter me to thrill me before you come and fuck me.

When the woman that adores your silly ass, has reached that yellow line, before the red your dead line. you need to proceed with caution. advice is look at what has been done, by both of you. you will see a circle of events. it doesnt stop. at what point do either one of you say stop. lets change this, this isn't right?

TIT for TAT?
I'm not gonna text her, OK-so when she does it to you, you take it as an attitude. Maybe she is afraid that your gonna yell at her for what ever is going on in your life. she calls you, she's suppose to except that you don't answer? how bout you bump her call for what ever reason. when she does it to you, you have a fit. your talking mad shit, but did you think that she might be calling cause she might have gotten into some shit, bad day at work, car broke down or maybe she wanted to give you motivation to bring your ass home? sure she might have blown your shit up in the past, but past has a tendencey to predict you future with her. she might be on the side of the road calling you, but another man, stopped to help her out, and might even took her out after the fact to make her feel better. she came home to you, but that person had a impact on how she's thinking about you now.

Admission and Transition
In my previous blogs Ive admitted that im the side chick. Ive really been the stick by your side bitch. we've stood by each other. the thing that gets me, is why ... after all this time you cant get it. its the simple things, i bet -no i guarantee you have texted everybody and then some. You've talked to everyone but me. I don't need a phone bill to see it, im speaking from experience. when you love someone like i love the cable guy, its a hard difficult love that you learn from every single day. it humbles you, because in all honesty any black woman would have told this cat to kick rocks. Im not white, im Italian so for me to even muster the words stuggots is hard enough. I try to put myself in place to where i can understand, even have sympathy because i dont know the whole situation. I only know what you have said, and how you act here with me. Even if he would read this now, he would say im being selfish or that im being fucked up for this.

Reality is though, sometimes you have to read the whole story to get the understanding that you need to proceed. 

I have to reflect on a comment my asshole male friend said and that was im insignificant to him. Because of that, im like a favorite shirt that wash and wear ever. im put in the dryer ands sometimes i dont make it back on the hanger, im balled up some where until he needs that close nit fit of the favorite again.
So when do i become significant again, or when can i have that old tshirt feel? kinda like my flannel shirt. the one he wants to burn off me. When you think about it, hes half right. which burns my ass. Significant, is not what i was actually hoping for. equivalence was of none in this relationship. monogamy, is what i give him. Respect is all i ever asked for.

When you have a woman that doesnt want anything, except you. Willing to do for you, but cant because once you have left that home, that bed and gone home to your family, there is where it ends. im not a second thought. you have no worries, no insecurities of another lurking in the pussy bush. Woman learn from men, understand this goes back to cave man... you clubbed me, took me to the cave, had me cook fish and dino eggs and sew your fur for warmth. bore your cave kids, and sat and watched how the cycle began. what men dont understand or dont want to, is that your teaching me.

I can do it too..
all the times you say that its business, really... what do you do for a living? wheres the money from that?
She's my friend, so is he... he's my friend and on Saturday night when you are at your partners house, im gonna go to my girls house. im going to the movies. i went by myself, do i have someone there?  i didnt say which one, and you dont seem to ask.  since you dont sleep here at night, why should i? you have keys to mine, you come and go as you please.

A silent woman speaks volumes. food for thought, if your wife's tripping and your side chick well shes tolerating you. She loves you to death, but seriously your on that yellow line before the red. what the fuck are you doing?  It cant always be the woman. it sure in the fuck isnt me... i dont live with your ass, (and maybe thats a good thing.) You have dinner with your family. I eat alone 92% of the time. Even a simple good morning to me, makes a big difference. i think of you enough to say it, to say i love you. it comes at random, but at least when it does come it makes you know you gave a moment to tell me, and made me feel better and less insecure. You say that things have changed in your marriage, but your still married for what reasons? your scared to death she'll find out, but you hurt the one that is down for you. You lie, you play games, and you could really have it all with this one. Do you really think theres better than this, and the willingness after the fact i continue to give with no second thought? years of empty beds, empty food containers at home, and lots of tears, because you cant take a minute just to ask if im ok or i love you add up. When it reaches 100% there wont be a warning, you gave me mine when you said that you were tired of my shit. I came to reality, love is a beautiful thing, but your not loving me the way we used to. Simple is success.


Did you ever stop to think damn, i might be the reason she cheated., and left me. Pay attention my friend, your hurting me, and killing us. You have no one to blame but your self, and no one to listen but you. Dont let the bad overcome you, you have a good one.

Im Tired of My Shit Too, Brother your not alone.

There are words that can kill a relationship, whether it be friend, fuck or whatever. under different and strained circumstances -you need to be careful and choose wisely how you express what you feel about the person who is in your corner. Your other might have another, and you don't think the woman in your life, or man-might be taking that house shit out on you. what you say at this point, can make or break the next steps you take in the relationship you have battled with and for for a long time. 

I'm speaking from experience. I learned a valuable lesson in the last 24 hours. You think that you know how to except what is happening in your life. WRONG! you can only except what YOU allow. I didn't realise, that my disposition with the job searches, the interviews, the full time job i do have and the full time school was causing me to be a bitch in the rawest form.

hearing those words, I'm sick of your shit, well hit home. made me think.

had to re-evaluate a few things. why, when and who the fuck are you telling me this. especially when your shit isn't the easiest to deal with either.  then that song that makes a difference starts to play... lil wayne, how to love. Memories of why we stayed together this long. the good, bad and evil shit that we have done, said and excepted from each other. The tears begin to fill in my eyes, because listening to the words, and thinking. I'm thinking, and damn it hits home. anyone else would have gotten the fuck off my phone spill. 

But then you call today, minutes ago...

your health is better. your disposition is happier. i cant be mad at you. even though i have a full basket of reason to be. just like you do. Our relationship isn't tit for tat, its genuine.

your a real motherfucker. call it arrogance, i call it a gift.

I have to learn that in this relationship, I'm the side chick. the relationship will never be anymore. its cheaper to keep her. I understand. But understand too, that when you tell me shit she doesn't do, or how she treats you. I get heated. I see how you act when your home with me, in our house of two. The way that you make love to me and with me there is no way in hell, you take that home to her.

whether your sick, your healthy, or your here at home with me. I feel a lot of disappointment cause you have given me that thug dick, that ride a bitch back tell she taps out shit. I would and damn near have gone broke being that go to bitch. You are in a very good, absolutely a great position that many wish that they had. theres a grip that's out there mad at your ass, because they know your not here at home with me. They want what you have. the reality is though, i have to want back. i only want you. 

taking a chance by putting how i feel in print, i realise that there is a special person who has graced my path in this life. In order for me to grow, I have to learn to understand-your not my punching bag. I'm glad you punch back. I have to come to grips that our relationship will never be your wife. I'm your motherfucker for sure. You have to realise to, that the woman i have evolved into is looking for that end of the day type shit. that if my tire is flat you would help fill it. That you would be there in the middle of the night and protect me from the fears i have of the bumbs of the night. I'm always gonna have a little doubt, being the side chick for all the days there was lies, to me. How many times i turned my head from the realisation that there is always that possibility that theres another, when you start to text in front of me and how you change your tone with who ever your on the phone. I hate it when, you don't understand why i act like i do. 

You also have to understand that when i go places, I'm envious, I'm jealous, I'm hurt and I'm happy to see couples when they walk, they laugh and they spend that time away from the house. Its the small yellow flower he picks up and puts in her hair and brushes her cheek, they life type shit I crave. How i wish you would/could/should have when you were able to, just did little special just for me shit, with me.  

At this point though, its irrelevant. all i can do is keep my self sane by remembering that I'm just the side chick. it doesn't matter how much i love you. i have to keep in perspective, you never know when the end is near. I take everyday as a blessing to be able to say I love you.

we have been blessed really, you now get to experience who I am, and how i am really due to time allotted. Surprise, I do love much more, i live very simple, and don't expect as much as you thought. 

here we are, your sick of my shit.

I love you too.

I'm sick of my shit too.

But at the end of this paragraph, I know why I love you as much as I have and still do.

The I LOVE YOU Came....

Baby, whats wrong?

Nothing, he says. (as he stares at me from the love seat.)

You sure, you want anything?

No, I'm fine now. perfect in fact.
come here, he says...

Look in the mirror, sammee. your so beautiful. your eyes are mesmerizing, your hair just shines. I just want to hold you, as he plays with my belly flap from standing behind me. he calls that his belly pillow..
I call it a pain on my ass. To each is own, though. 

Come lay with me. 
We disrobe, We lye next to each other, and he takes my hand and kisses it. he stokes my curls out of the way, tells me how beautiful I look. How sexy I smell... How wet I must be, as he strokes my breast to my thigh going in for the wet swelling pussy hes been lurching for all morning.

OMG! are you trying to kill me today? I say out loud and laugh in the process.  he laughs and says no, but I'm gonna kill that pussy for sure... as he throws open my legs and plungers his hand into my wet hot throbbing pussy hole. 1 finger, 2 fingers, 3 fingers, i gasp and moan.

He has successfully fisted my body with his entire hand inside my soul. I grind his fingers and palm as he trys to make me squirt from the force that's so gentle, but so strong. Rhythmically in and out, he puts his lips on my pussy and kisses those lips like they were my faces. Tongue in circles like he does my lips, strokes his cheeks against my thigh like its my face. kiss my clit, like hes teasing me for my tongue. lifts my bottom like its my chin and dives in for the kill of my pink swollen hot wet hole like he's french kissing my ass.  

I cum and came, and he laughs. I'm flush. He's happy. He crawls up to the top of the bed, and says "Samantha", my sammee.
He does something different, he held me, my chest to his, my head under his chin, and my hand in his. Time stopped.  He took a breath and lifted my head, his eyes were glazed. He took his hand, swept my face, and said damn it.
I knew. I knew what he ment. it hit me like a ton of bricks. The man who was alpha lion male was broke.
I looked at him, eyes whelling up and i said "you did it, didn't you?"  He said what? staring so passionately at me..
You bastard, you fell in love, with me...
He put his head down on my chest kissed the cleavage, and looked at me. Is that so wrong after being with you all this time, fighting, agreeing, being happy and the way that you make me feel as a man, a fucking king. You give me everything. You make me feel so wonderful. How could I not. Cant fight the inevitable?

My eyes whelled up and tears begin to fall as he pulls himself to my ear, and whisper the words that are suppose to be dear. they burn, they confuse and they lie. I love you SAM, I love you, Samantha.
You hear nothing, except the whimpers of my tears after three years, you say it and mean it. I'm ready for most everything, most anything. This one, i wasn't ready for. he said it on occassion, and it was like the yeah OK, i love you too. Today was a Reality.

We have intimate moments, we play with each others fingers. sucking them teasingly. we suck on each others thighs like we want to eat each other up in passionate ways. He puts my leg up on the wall, and fucks me like a animal who needs to be tamed.  He stops, and says that we have only just began in a new direction. You have no idea how hard it is to leave you, and leave you here alone. I don't want to leave. daddy's home to stay.

We get up and take a shower together, we both cried, i wasn't suppose to see him do that. He shows no sign of weakness, but today He let himself go. He finally let me in. He is no punk, if that's what you think. He's  genuine. He was real, and allowed me to see it. he said something that changed my thoughts about him today.

"I feel when your hurt, I hurt more because i don't know why your hurting in the first place."

"I get madder, cause you got mad, and i couldn't protect you from why you got mad"

"I smell you, when your not around, and the scent of you is driving me insane, when I'm alone and I cant touch you."

"I crave the taste of you, when I'm hungry and I cant even eat."

I love you SAM... I really am in love with you.

He plays chess, not checkers. 
Never saw that move on the board.



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good after boom...

well its Tuesday,
and every Tuesday for the last 6 weeks... i have gotten a visit from the cable man.. ironically though this visit was different, actually the last three days have been really funny.

those who know about the relationship of the cable man and i are familiar that we have a torrid love affair. really love hate, and nice to be with you after the fact. some times i feel like im the tick on this dogs back.

i question a lot of things and thoughts i have. One thing i don't question is the attraction. he's a perfect pretty light skinned brother. he is bald, beautiful eyes, fine ass man. Reality is im sure im not the only one who sees this. When we have sex, time sits still. He reminded me today how when we first started out our sexpot's where like 15 to 20 minutes, now it can go for days if we push the limit.

anyway, today.
for the last three days he has really been different, he says its because I'm thinking too much. Trying to analysis this. but really. you have a sexually diverse female who is wants to fuck you, just you. the animal attraction is so intense you can smell it in the air.  yesterday he came and got something from me, that was for his benefit, OK mine too. no no no it wasn't sex. all though, he keeps saying that i f i would have kept it up, i would have had a mouth full of cum.
hes like on this cuddle me, stage-which is really new to us...
but stop playing with my tits, my ass and the pussy in the process. for the last three days its been like this... to tell you the truth, i don't like it.

three days of foreplay on a starved fat pussy is a lot.
especially when it doesn't get the man that is attached to that wonderful membrane 24 7. My friend said it right, your just the side chick. so slide this chick some dick and let me do me. you go home to your family.

he doesn't understand what it does emotionally to me when he leaves here after fucking with me, not fucking in me. i don't know even how to tell him. its like i clam up. i told him today, you didn't even kiss me when you came in, he said i know. you expect that. what i expect is that you realise like i do, nothing is promised-not even tomorrow.

this was just a thought, had to tell some one.

Daddy's home... Cable man Archieves.

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home..just keeping it in perspective

today, im going to do the sammee thing..
im goung to start my paperwork..sure.
im am doing the real sammee shit today, clean house, color hair, do the wifee duties-but im not the wife. lol
i think im going to bring the cable man stories back too.
even though, hes not the cable man anymore.
i miss those days-not.
i dont miss the bullshit that job cost me, and thats on the real.
most people dont realise that when your an adult entertainer that shit isnt as easy as it looks. beleave me.. you run into alot of fake ass people. its even harder when your going through the motions and at times question who is the person you sleep with?